leiastrikesback

so im almost positive my insecurtiys are disinigrating me. I cant help it im wathcng myself waste away and its ridiculious. I hate my face my laugh the way i unknowingly judge people and how i isolate myself. around my own friends im socialy awkward. i start biting my nails and gazing into space trapped in my own mental wirlwinds. its all the love around me. love i never have felt and maybe never will because how can you love someone who cant even tolorate themself. I sound emo and stupied but i feel like i cant control these feeling so im just going to let them out and fucking pray they go away. i always rave about how i "dont need a man to make me happy on conplet me" and how my "self worthing isnt measured but my acceptance from men". its just an act. I guess iv been trying too fool myself more so than ohter people. of course i would like  man in myself. maybe it would make me  a little softer and less aggressive. as much as i love my friends and love to see them happy it annoys me to be around them and their siggnifigant others. nothing because i dont like them i most likely do its just i cant understand it and get jelouse. i cant understand the need to kiss someone every 5 minutes or be touching them or poking them. i hate being touched or stared at i even find it hard to look people stright in the eye let alone hang on someone. but i think i would be willing to break down my wall if i found some one to hang onto like a sloth in a tree. a different bed to lay in, someone to laugh at my dumb sarcastic jokes. maybe.

Today was the most random yet fun day i have had all day this year. I was set to go into work at 12 and continue my mundane existance. Pants down getting dressed rockin out to some fall out boy i got a visiter. it was none othe than courtney. she asked me if i would go to pennsylvania(sp?) to get a puppy she had in mind for her mom. I did have to be in work in a half hour, but i decided fuhck that! a road trip to penn. with  half ass map quest directions and a chance to be somewhere i have never been or go ring assholes groceries. i opted for the adventure! It was qwite a blasy blast. Fall out boy and dunkin donuts coffee kept our moral on the high end. We finaly made it to the wubbies home. I felt bad for the dogs. They were owned by some stright up omish horse and buggie no internet weirdos. They were kept in a barn outside with no lights in rabbit like cages. They didnt seem like they were abused, just like they have had no social interaction or true one on one love. I wanted to get a golder riteriver so bad but i knew my family would take me out back and off me palistinian execuson(sp?) style. So we made our way back to CT from PA with no directions. Courtney made her friend mapquest and read them off to us. But it didnt matter anyway because we got lost in the heart of the bronx and i almost had a coronary heart attack. Sooo we half assed it by taking any parkway that said north. Sure enough we landed on the merritl. I have never been so souped to see that god forsaken strip of death. And in no time we were at wendys in milford eating some good wholesome food. The wubbs was worth the trip shes so flippen cute! Im glad she was saved from little house on the peiri. I love road trips another one in deff in order. I was really glad i got to go with courtney, shes awsome and i hope we can become better friends. But im going to bed because i guess i have to show up to work tomm haha. nighty <3